"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."
"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."
"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."