More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."