"They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime."
"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."