"They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants."
"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."
"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."
"When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."