"They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants."
"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."