More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."
"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."
"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant."