"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."
"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."