"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."
"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."