"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."
"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."
"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."