"The storm is coming whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether you’re prepared for it or not. Thank God you have a man like me in your life, a man with a variety of umbrellas for sale in an affordable range of prices."
"Behold, the number five is at hand. Grab it and shake and harness the power of networking."
"Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming."
"The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat."
"I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick."
"I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder."