"The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was."
"75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive."
"I observe Stand Still Day. I also observe whatever I’m standing in front of at the time. I hope on that day I see how much you love me."
"My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast."
"We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?"
"If it’s the last kiss, we’d better make it last. I hope you don’t have anywhere to be, because I have the rest of my life free."