Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary."

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you."

"Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch."

"Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!)."