"We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman."
"Steel wool—it’s not just for washing dirty dishes. It also makes great underwear material. It’ll cure that itch to take on a lover by making you scratch."
"Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment."
"Better than learning how to speak a foreign language, is to start speaking the truth. But few people will listen, because they just don’t understand."
"When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future."
"A little part of me dies every time I try to commit suicide. If life is a buffet, I’m still in the mac and cheese phase. Maybe one day I’ll mature into more of a meatloaf kind of guy."