"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."
"I’m an only child, and therefore I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t even be parents."
"She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart."
"75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive."
"I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy."
"Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths."