I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading acc... - Steven Wright

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."