More quotes by Steven Wright

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."