I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading acc... - Steven Wright

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."