"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."
"A kangaroo would jump better if instead of legs, it had a trampoline under its torso. And there would be no depression, because it would bounce right back."
"I’ve never been in a yesterday quite like today. Seems like the perfect time to be in love."
"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."
"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."
"You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk."