William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."

"I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick."

"I drink like a fish, and I swim in my thirst. I’m so parched for her love that I think I may drown in my desire."

"It's a fact that men make more money than women. That's why I became a man. Best decision of my life."

"Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger."