#naughty

"I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning."

"I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you."

"I never loved another person the way I loved myself."

"I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you."

"Instead of reciting her an original love poem using words, I think I’ll use my tongue to more creatively explore the deepest parts of her."

"good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere"

"Some people grow cotton, while I have a t-shirt farm. The rainy season is when I get the most visitors."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination."

"When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks."

"I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical."

"Candle making is a half-ass business, because the product is only useful half the day, at night. Why not make candles that double as dildos, and make it a whole-ass business."

"The only sea I saw Was the seesaw sea With you riding on it. Lie down, lie easy. Let me shipwreck in your thighs."

"If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I'd never get off my ass to change the channel."

"Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry."

"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but who is the father? Don’t look at me! I wore a condom."

"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."

"I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library."