More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?"It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line."
"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."