"I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."
"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."