More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Meatloaf is graphable in how far ahead it is in likeability categories. You can also play Mop the Floor with it. I make love like I make dinner that makes cleaning the kitchen more fun for the whole family."
"I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy."
"Personal branding is crucial in today's society. Just remember to wait until the metal is red hot before pressing it into your flesh."
"We had a lavender kind of love, so soothing and smooth, and if I could bottle up what we had, you'd want it all over your body."
"I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it."