#Sex

"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but who is the father? Don’t look at me! I wore a condom."

"Don’t put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today."

"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."

"A rose is a mixture of flower and thorns, which means it’s half “Let’s fuck,” and half “fuck you."

"I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills."

"And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It's good for you."

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"You don’t need to have a fight before great sex. I can keep my cool and still bring the heat every time."

"Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap."

"For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time."

"I began to realize what everyone in the world knows and routinely forgets: that to be loved sexually is to be loved not for one's actual self but for one's ability to arouse desire in the other...Only the thoughts in one's mind or intuitions of the spirit can attract permanently..."

"Calling sex by its name thereafter [the 17th c.] became more difficult and more costly. As if in order to gain mastery of it in reality, it had first been necessary to subjugate it at the level of language, control its free circulation in speech, expunge it from the things that were said, and extinguish the words that rendered it too visibly present."

"I'm as pure as the driven slush."

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"I wouldn’t have minded school if they taught you important things like how to have good sex and what brand of wine is the best… But for some reason they were hell bent on teaching me algebra"

"Sometimes I get real lonely sleeping with you."

"He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry."

"Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay."

"I have often said that I wish I had invented blue jeans: the most spectacular, the most practical, the most relaxed and nonchalant. They have expression, modesty, sex appeal, simplicity - all I hope for in my clothes."

"Footnote: In 1998, a woman in Saline, Michigan received a patent for a Decorative Penile Wrap...The patent included three pages of drawings, including a penis wearing a ghost outfit, another in the robes of the Grim Reaper, and one dressed up to look like a snowman."