"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."
"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."
"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."
"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."
"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."
"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."