"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."
"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."
"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."
"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."
"I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor."
"I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out."