"Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!"
"Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky."
"In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench."
"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."
"If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks."
"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."