Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."