More quotes by Steven Wright

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."
"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."