Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."