Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."