I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so... - Steven Wright

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."