I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so... - Steven Wright

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"