Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flo... - Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

"I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady."

"I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."

"I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat."