"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."
"Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers."
"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."
"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."
"Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak."
"A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny."