"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."
"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."
"When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion."
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect."
"People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation."
"Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates."