"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."
"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."
"Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?"
"If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder."
"I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge."
"Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak."