"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect."
"Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion."
"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."
"Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude."
"A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny."