I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afr... - Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny."

"Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect."

"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."