Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

"Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion."

"Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude."

"I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks."

"Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?"

"Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited."

"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."

"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect."

"A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas."

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself."

"Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion."

"People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation."

"If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder."

"The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming."

"When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion."

"A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny."

"I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy."

"The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners."

"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."