Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

"I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge."

"Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude."

"Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited."

"If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder."

"Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers."

"I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks."

"The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming."

"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect."

"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."

"When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion."

"The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners."

"A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny."

"Nothing else matters now that you love me.' - suicide note"

"Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates."

"Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak."

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life."

"Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited."

"I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy."