Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

"Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak."

"The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners."

"Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude."

"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."

"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."

"Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box."

"Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited."

"I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy."

"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."

"People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life."

"I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks."

"Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates."

"A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect."

"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."

"I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge."

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"Nothing else matters now that you love me.' - suicide note"

"If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself."

"People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation."