I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I... - Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

"Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder."

"Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?"

"I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks."

"The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming."

"People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life."