"When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion."
"Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude."
"People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation."
"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."
"Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?"
"The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners."