"When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion."
"Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates."
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect."
"Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers."
"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."
"Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates."