"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."
"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."