"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."