"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."
"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."
"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."