"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."
"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."
"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."