More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."
"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant."
"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."