More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."