More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."
"I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails."
"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."
"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."
"If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now."