More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."
"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."
"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."
"I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!"
"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."