More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."
"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."
"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."
"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."
"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."