I am the bathtub of love, but all Agatha ever wanted was a s... - Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

"Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)"

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious."

"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."

"The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three."