More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."
"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."
"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."
"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."
"I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!"