"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."