When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We m... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."