When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We m... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."