More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."