I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter sayin... - Mark Twain

"Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation."

"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven."

"Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."

"Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out."

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."