If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, i... - Steven Wright

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."