More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."
"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."
"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."
"I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything."
"On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones."