"I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more romantic than roses on a grave?"
"I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning."
"My eyes are bronze, my hair is turning silver, and my heart is gold. Oh, and my love for you belongs in the Olympics, because it’s Special."
"I’m hard to love, but I love hard, like my heart is the sun yearning to tan your naked body. I promise I won’t burn you."
"My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present."
"Being a waiter is a waste of time, because think of all that waiting. But it’s better than loving someone who doesn’t love you back, because if you’re going to wait around, you might as well get paid for it."