"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."