"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."