"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."