More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."
"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."