More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."
"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."
"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."