I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one ey... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."

"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them."