"I spray-paint my underwear gold, because it makes me feel like a winner. When two people are in love, one is always in second place."
"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"
"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."
"I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting."
"Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise."
"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"