"I think you know if you disappeared from my life I’d be upset, but ultimately I’d make myself a new invisible cloak, to replace the one you stole."
"The difference between me and a scientist is a little word called “Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot."
"Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword."
"People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating."
"I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone."
"Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart."