"I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth."
"I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems."
"Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?"
"I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again."
"A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary."
"I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention."