I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dyi... - Steven Wright

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."