I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dyi... - Steven Wright

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"