I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dyi... - Steven Wright

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."